From None of the Above
Episode 303, originally aired October 13, 1999
Pacey: An envelope? This is why you covertly hushed us into a corner?
Joey: Pacey, read the fine print. It says ETS, as in Educational Testing Service.
Jen: Dawson, this is not what I think it is?
Dawson: Think again.
Andie: Oh God.
Jack: How'd you get this?
Dawson: Does it matter?
Andie: Of course it matters. When we're all incriminated, and sent to federal prison, I'd like to know just who I'm taking the rap for.
Dawson: Somebody gave it to me.
Joey: A certain someone with blonde locks, and a name that rhymes with Steve?
Pacey: Oh, she's good. I like that girl, she's good.
Joey: Once again, Dawson Leery proves the groin is mightier than the brain.
Jen: Well, I mean, have you looked inside, it could be a joke, anybody can just whip up a label.
Pacey: There's one way to find out.
Andie: Just go ahead Pacey, wade to complete your return to the halls of academic loserdom.
Pacey: Maybe you'd like to open it up Andie? I mean, after all, cheating seems to be an activity that you're real comfortable with these days.
Jack: Look, nobody's opening anything. Dawson, just bring it back to where you got it, and none of us ever saw it.
Jen: Gee, not to sound like the only typical high school student here, but really, as the only typical high school student, what's the harm peeking?
Pacey: Peeking? I could have us a detailed crypt sheet in half-an-hour.
Dawson: Guys, look. Admittedly, my first reaction was to dump it, but . you heard Principal Green, I mean, these things are a game. And as wrong as cheating sounds, I thought I'd bring it up to you guys for discussion.
Joey: OK, morals to Dawson, come in, Dawson. This is wrong. Besides, it's the PSAT, no-one's even required to take it, let alone do well.
Dawson: Unless you want to qualify for a National Merit Scholarship (he pushes the envelope in front of Joey).
Jen: Or if you've been too busy getting the crap beaten out of you to study.
Jack: Or, if you *really* want to go to Harvard.
Andie: Or, if a failed relationship has put you through the emotional wringer, and you just don't care these days.
Pacey: Or if you've just been too darn busy getting busy (slides it back to Dawson).
Dawson: Point is, we could all use it for something.
Principal: Alright people, let's take our seats! One sample math section coming your way. On second thought . all right, you know the drill, leave everything exactly where it is and file out in an orderly fashion.
Joey So what kind of black market booty do you have for us today, Dawson? Just happen to find out what Microsoft will be turning out tomorrow?
Dawson: Look, I called you guys here, because I wanted to give you all-give us all-a chance to rectify the situation.
Dawson: Whoever stole the test needs to give it back.
Jen: Well, wasn't it already stolen, Dawson?
Pacey: I love the way that this girl thinks.
Dawson: Look, the point is, it's missing. Yesterday it wasn't.
Joey: So what's the harm in just letting it be lost, Dawson?
Jack: Yeah, I agree. Whoever needed was no more desperate than the rest of us, only quicker.
Andie: Doesn't it bother anyone what this says about our group's level of integrity?
Pacey: Well, I think I speak for *our* group when I respond with hearty NO.
Jen: I'm starting to feel like some sort of psychologically abused lab rat.
Joey: You're not the lab rat, Jen, Dawson is.
Dawson: Watch it, Joey.
Joey: Throwing parties, crashing boats, upstaging marching bands. Dawson, if your rope was any more yanked, you'd be a church bell.
Dawson: Joey, Eve has nothing to do with this.
Joey: Oh, no? It's typical Dawson Leery behaviour to offer your friends contraband?
Dawson: She didn't tell me to do anything with that test.
Joey: You are so blinded by her covergirl looks, you wouldn't even notice if she did. I bet when she offered you that test, you didn't fire one ethical comment her way, did you? It's just your friends who have to sit here and . and suffer through the Dawson Leery morality play. Bleach blonde ho-bag is willing to put out and you gotta audition.
Dawson: Are you finished?
Joey: I could go on.
Dawson: Look, I'm sorry I brought you all into this, but one of us has taken the charade to another level. Here's the deal. I'm going to leave my locker unlocked-whoever has the test will put it inside by 5:30 today.
Pacey: Oh, come on, Dawson. The petty thief among us already left the crime scene. They're not going to return that thing now, what's the incentive?
Dawson: To do the right thing.
Joey: Be there in a minute! No loitering, Pacey.
Pacey: Listen, I am a legitimate customer, and I demand some service, OK?
Joey: Have you been drinking?
Pacey: Only liquor, I promise.
Joey: What's wrong?
Pacey: Oh, it's nothing that a little bonfire won't fix. You see, our friend Andie, decided that she needed to *cleanse* me from her life to maintain her sanity. The casualties were the contents of this box. Ahh. Hello Mr Dock.
Joey: Pacey .
Pacey: Hey Jo?
Pacey: Can you do me a favor? I probably shouldn't go home like this-you think you could ring my dad and tell him I'm hanging here?
Pacey: That's my girl.
Joey: Here, I brought you a Pepsi.
Pacey: No thanks, I'm not thirsty.
Joey: It's for your lip moron, in lieu of ice.
Pacey: I can't believe he thought I took it-
Joey: So what, Pacey?
Pacey: I thought if I'd earned anyone's respect, it was Dawson's. I mean, if the guy who knows you better than anyone on earth thinks you're a loser, then maybe-
Joey: Then maybe you are one? C'mon. I mean, I thought you were a loser for years, but you've never believed me.
Pacey: It's just, you know, when does a person start believing the general consensus about themselves?
Joey: When it's right.
Pacey: Do me a favor?
Pacey: Would you tell your friend, Dawson, that I'm innocent. I mean, he'll believe you.
Joey: Oh, my friend? Look, he's your friend too. And you know as well as I do that he's somewhere right now sulking over the gravity of his wrongful accusation.
Pacey: Oh, well, good. Let him stew in his own pride for awhile.
Joey: Oh, we're all guilty of that.
Pacey: Yeah, well, I'd never accuse him of cheating.
Joey: Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure he would never take the first swing at you.
Pacey: He started that whole thing!
Joey: I'm not getting into this.
Pacey: OK, so tell me?
Pacey: What do you think happened to that test
Joey: I don't know. And to be honest, I . I don't want to know. There are certain things in life you're better off not knowing. Some things you wish you never knew, never asked, and ah, never saw.
Pacey: OK, so tell me honestly, does it look that bad?
Joey: On your face, any reconstructive surgery whatsoever, is a definite improvement.