From Four To Tango
Episode 309, originally aired December 01, 1999
Pacey: Hey, Joey. Joey, how are you doing? My, you are looking absolutely ravishing today. Is that a new- uh, hair thing you got going there?
Joey: You need my notes from today's class that you missed.
Pacey: You missed me, huh?
Joey: Oh, how could I miss you? It's so much easier to see the board without your big fat head in the way I need these back by tomorrow morning (She hands him the paper)
Pacey: What's a cosine?
Joey: You don't know what a cosine is? You're never gonna catch up by midterms.
Pacey: You're absolutely right. I'm not. Not unless, of course, you--
Joey: Look, I'm not gonna help you, Pacey. I've been busting my butt all semester while you've been-- ah, who knows what the hell you've been doing lately.
Pacey: I've been busy.
Joey: Busy, right. Pacey, you have a very undemanding part-time job, your only familial obligation is to feed the dog everyday, and your social life is basically a triangle consisting of you, me and Dawson.
Pacey: Ok, listen. Truth be told, I'm failing math right now. Yeah, so if you could find it in your heart to explain all this trig stuff to me, I'll do anything you want.
Penny: Slow quick quick. Good footwork, people!
Pacey: Maybe you should probably tell me what I'm doing here before the other nine suffer the same fate.
Joey: You expect me to believe that you actually have control over those lead feet of yours? Ow! Pacey!
Pacey: I'm sorry!
Joey: Look, every year the Starlight school offers a $1,500 scholarship to the high school student who best exemplifies the spirit and grace of ballroom dancing. If you look around, there about six people who wear their teeth to bed, let alone go to high school with us.
Pacey: Which would make you-- what? A shoo-in?
Joey: I do have to complete at least one of the two week courses.
Pacey: Why didn't you get Dawson to do this with you? Or Jack for that matter?
Joey: Because they don't owe me like you will after I perform CPR on your math grade.
Pacey: So that's the trade-off.
Pacey: One study session for one dance class.
Joey: That's the trade off.
Penny: What did I say about ribcages touching? And refresh my memory, who's leading here?
Pacey: I'm trying, but Janet Reno here doesn't exactly make it easy on a fella, you know what I'm saying?
Joey: Like you even know how, Pacey.
Penny: You lead.
Pacey: We'll just give it the old college try, shall we?
Joey: Oh, don't get too close. Ow!
Joey: Here, this is your assignment for study hall. I want you to do all the even problems on page 107. And show your work, don't just copy the answers out of the back of the book.
Pacey: You know, if I had known the sadistic pleasure you were gonna take out of tutoring me, I never would've let you have such free reign.
Joey: Look, we're gonna spend an hour after school doing math and then we're gonna go back to--
Pacey: I-- I know, the Starlight for another afternoon's torture at the hands of Miss Penny Pretty. You do realize how absolutely imperative it is that no one, and I mean no one, finds out about our after school activities, because on the sliding scale of embarrassing and decidedly non-butch activities for a teenage male to be involved in, waltzing is right up there with painting your own pottery.
Joey: Pacey, do you really think I'm eager to have this information disseminated to the general public?
Pacey: Perfect, then we're in agreeance.
Pacey: No one is to find out.
Joey: No one.
Dawson: Find out what?
Pacey: No, no we can tell him. It's Dawson, right? We were-- we were just discussing the fact that I am really awful at home improvement and decor, right? How are you with a roller?
Dawson: I can hold my own?
Pacey: Fantastic! Cause the Pacey J. Witter Memorial addition to the Potter family home is in desperate need of painters and plasterers, all union wages.
Dawson: Count me in.
Pacey: That's good to hear. All right, so Joey?
Pacey: Yeah, okay let's do that.
Joey: See ya.
Dawson: Hold on, Pacey. I wanna talk to you for a sec.
Pacey: Yes… I, uh can't talk… at all… right now. I'm really trying to stay off of Mr. Milo's top ten most tardy list. Can I… can I get ya after school? Yea, okay.
Pacey: Can we take a break, please?
Joey: We just took a break. No wonder you're so far behind. I swear, Alexander can sit still longer than you can.
Pacey: You don't understand, okay? It's just that recently, whenever I crack a book to study, its like I automatically want to be doing something else, anything else. I mean, it seems to me that under the previous regimes in my life, every time I was studying, I was given a reward.
Joey: I offered you Chex mix.
Pacey: And I'm not talking about Chex mix. I'm talking about Tamara and I'm talking about Andie. Let's just say that those two ladies, they trained me to acquaint studying with..
Joey: With what?
Pacey: Sex. I acquaint studying with sex, sex with studying. Now I get studying, but no sex, you understand? So it's a little hard to get motivated these days.
Joey: So what you're saying is that you're merely the innocent victim in some behavioral psychology experiment gone horribly awry?
Joey: And that you're desperately in need of some able-bodied female to help you provoke those preconditioned Pavlovian homework responses?
Joey: That is the worst pick-up line I have ever heard, Pacey.
Pacey: Thanks, Toots, but I wasn't hittin' on ya. I'll have you know I have my own prospects, thanks.
Joey: Like who?
Pacey: For right now, they would prefer to remain anonymous, but let me tell you, they've made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that should the mutual desire occur, that they will be more than willing to take care of all my physical needs, you understand?
Joey: So is this a potential relationship or are we talking a free-trade agreement?
Pacey: All right, listen. If you had the opportunity to be with somebody, no questions asked, no strings attached, no awkward first dates, no waiting by the phone, no any of that. Totally on the surface. 100% casual. What would you do? Would you go for it?
Joey: A totally empty, emotionally unfulfilling sexual experience? That sounds great.
Pacey: You're not listening to me. I'm being serious, but it's kind of a limited-time offer, so I just thought I'd ask you, what do you think?
Joey: Pacey, I think that if you really wanted to be having causal sex with someone right now, you'd be doing it instead of sitting here having a hypothetical discussion about it. That's what I think.
Pacey: And what, pray tell, are you two doing here?
Jen: Just enjoying the fine art of ballroom dancing.
Penny: Didn't I say you two would be naturals? Much better than these two and they've been here all week. But you used to date, didn't you?
Jen: Uh, not right now, okay?
Penny: I'm right, aren't I? You dated, it didn't work out, but then you got past all your issues and now you actually trust each other, right? See, you can see that in the dancing. You can see that the trust is there… Now these two, on the other hand, a whole different story. I mean, look at them. Look at their form. Look at the tension in their arms.
Pacey: Okay, is there some sort of problem here?
Penny: Well, what did I say about rib cages touching?
Joey: No, sorry.
Penny: Can we do that?
Pacey: It's just not gonna happen, all right?
Penny: Right, see what I mean? See the hostility, the way they're wary with each other, not to mention the constant bickering and name calling. Now these two clearly are in the early stages of some screwball mating ritual.
Joey: Ok, you've got it wrong, Lady.
Penny: Really, I do?
Pacey: Oh, completely.
Joey: Actually, you could not be more wrong.
Penny: There's enough sexual tension here to power a Kiss reunion tour. I can't remember the last time I saw dancing this bad… True.
Dawson: Wait a minute, just because they can't dance you think that they're--
Penny: Well, it's this theory that I've developed based on years of experience. If people dance that badly, then they're usually hot for each other. The dancing doesn't lie…. All right, people. Let's take it from the top!
Penny: And switch!
Pacey: Excuse us, just for a second. I need to talk to you.
Joey: What is wrong with him?
Pacey: Uh, nothing really. It's just, um… Dawson seems to think that we're doing it.
Pacey: Well, you know, having sex. Getting to know each other in the biblical sense, uh…
Joey: Pacey, that's impossible. And he would never think that.
Pacey: No, not under normal circumstances, but in this case, I think certain events were perhaps misconstrued…
Joey: What events?
Pacey: Well, I just…
Joey: I forgot my coat.
Pacey: Well yeah, you ran out of there in a bit of a hurry, didn't ya? Look, if it makes you feel any better, we never actually slept together. I mean, not even close.
Joey: It's none of my business what you guys did or didn't do. I'm sorry I overreacted.
Pacey: Yeah, you did overreact, didn't you?
Joey: Don't act so smug. I'm not saying you're right, or that I approve of what you guys are doing.
Pacey: Were doing. I'd say the time limit on the limited time offer has probably run out now.
Pacey: So, you got your coat. What made you come in here?
Joey: Dawson… He convinced me to take pity on your poor, misguided, testosterone-impaired self.
Pacey: He did that, did he?
Joey: 'Fraid so.
Pacey: Man, guess I owe him another one, huh?
Joey: You do. Come on, let's go.
Penny: Hey, not so fast, you two. There's a class about to start.
Joey: I think we've done enough dancing for a lifetime.
Pacey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get too hasty here. We've still got a scholarship to work for, right?
Penny: Oh, about that scholarship. Things have been kind of tight here at the Starlight.
Joey: There's no scholarship?
Penny: No, but what I can offer you is 6 months of free dance lessons.
Joey: And what would we do with those?
Penny: The cha-cha-cha, the rumba, the merengue… when you're ready, the tango, the dance of love.
Joey: Thanks, but no thanks.
Pacey: Come on, think about this for a second, don't be too hasty. We may have found our calling in this dance studio.
Joey: Give it up, Pacey… You definitely were not that good.